Today my husband and I made the rounds to the cemeteries, first to his grand dad's and then to his parents and ended our trip at Asbury Cemetery where our daughter, Megan is buried, in addition to my Dad and maternal grandparents. For some reason, it was an especially emotional outing for me. I never had the chance to know my husband's grandfather or his parents, and my Dad passed away in 1992. My precious Megan passed away in 1981 at the age of 3 1/2 and I have made many trips to the cemetery since then. So why, today, did I fall apart and cry all the way home? My heart was broken as I thought back on the 31 years since our Megan passed away as the result of a brain tumor. I couldn't help but wonder what my beautiful daughter would have contributed to the lives of all who knew her and what kind of a person I would have become by being her mother. Although my life has certainly been blessed by the births of my son in 1984 and daughter in 1986, I have to wonder if I would have been a better mother had I not loved and lost my firstborn. Did I lose that childlike innocence that allows one to love completely and unconditionally, without fear of the heartbreak that comes only when you have lost a child? I know that something deep inside of me changed the day that my firstborn died. Although I never doubted God's presence in my life, I never again felt the security of knowing that would follow the natural path of seeing my children grow to adulthood and live long beyond my years on earth. I want my children to know that I love them more than anything and that I value them above all else. Have I let them know how much better my life has been because of them? They have been there to witness my weaknesses, but do they really understand why I been weak? Why have I not shared with them those heartaches that have made me the person I am today? All of those questions have stayed with me since I visited the cemetery today and my heart feels heavy.....
